Dear Miss Hofferson Dear Mr Haddock
by HaddocksOrTails
Summary: A series of short messages between Astrid and Hiccup, but from time to time other Berkians and even the dragons chirp as well. Meant to be funny and little lemony.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own these characters and I think I never will. But it's still fun to play with them.  
**

Dear Miss Hofferson,

You looked lovely today on training. You know I've always thought you have such a nice pale complexion and blood really looks good on your face.

Yours,

HHH III

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

Thank you for your letter. I only wish it was your blood.

AH

PS Have I ever mentioned you have a big head?

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

I was pretty sure that my head was fairly regular, but I've checked the statics with Mr Fishlegs, and it turned out that my head was actually 2.4 inches smaller than the average Viking head.

Truly Yours,

HHH III

* * *

Hey Astrid,

It's Fishlegs. I've measured several heads in the village and I think it's safe to say that Hiccup's head is among the smaller ones. Based on my statistics, the average...

Okay, Ruffnut tore up my papers, so you have to take my word for it.

Okay, got to go now, Ruffnut is hitting my head with a rotten salmon.

Fishlegs

* * *

Fishlegs,

Thanks, but I'm not really interested in statistics.

A.

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

I'm not a fan of statistics I believe in what I see with my own eyes. I still think your head is far bigger than it should be. I'd love to help you solve this problem with my axe.

AH

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

The thing is I like my head the way it is.

Will you attend the Viking soccer tournament next weekend?

HHH III

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

I will, of course. Why?

AH

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

We could practice together. I have a pretty neat ball.

HHH III

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

I can assure you that I'm not interested in your ball.

AH

PS I thought you had only lost a limb fighting that big ass dragon.

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

I meant I had a leather ball that I had sewn in the forge last week.

HHH III

PS I've only lost a foot. All other parts of me are fully present and functional. Check if you don't believe me.

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

A boy who actually sews? Yuk, yuk, yuk.

Will you come the Ruff-Tuff birthday bash?

(Soccer was boatloads of fun. So sorry you ended up in Fishleg's team.)

AH

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

See you at the party in the Meade Hall.

(Don't care, we did our best.)

HHH III

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

I'm pretty sure I was offering my shoulder and not my breast to cry on.

Although thank for your kind comments on its size and shape.

However, I advise that you stay away from alcohol when you're in such an emotional mood.

AH

* * *

Hey, Ass-trid,

Saw you leave with Hiccs.

Did *something* interesting happen? (By *something* I mean did you bang?)

Tuffs

* * *

Tuffnut,

Are you high? Shall I draw you a new face with my axe?

A.

PS Just to inform you, I spell my name with one 'S'.

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

Sorry about touching your breast, it was an accident. Will never happen again.

Shame on me,

HHH III

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

Enough with the 'accidents', please refrain from 'accidentally' touching my bum during training too.

Yours sincerely,

AH

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

Look who's talking? I can actually feel when your watchful eyes burn a hole on my pants.

Yours,

HHH III

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

I'll poke my eyes with a hot iron bar just to prove that I'm NOT checking out your hindquarters.

AH

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

I'm glad to help with the hot iron bar, come see me at the forge.

HHH III

* * *

AAAAstrid!

Hiccup at the forge, shirtless!

If you chop him up, which I'm sure you'll do pretty soon, please, give his torso to me, I wanna sleep on those abs!

Ruffy

* * *

Hey Ruff,

Sure thing, sister.

I have an axe to be mended, I might chop him up with that once he had sharpened it.

A.

* * *

Hiccup,

I have some serious business with a... female person. Won't be at the forge this evening.

Be a good lad, don't ruin the smithy.

Uncle G.

* * *

Dear Gobber,

Why on earth would I ruin the smithy?

Hiccup

* * *

Son, you're clumsy as Hel. I don't take my chances.

So again, be careful.

Uncle Gobber

PS I don't mind if you bring a lass there unless you clean your mess.

Don't tell your dad I've said that.

* * *

Gobber,

Why on Earth would I bring a lass to the forge?

And what mess are you talking about?

Hiccup

* * *

Son, you're not just clumsy but half-witted as well.

UG

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

Could you possibly sharpen my axe this evening? I might need it later on.

AH

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

I'm not sure I can do it tonight. I'm pretty busy. Gobber left all the work to me.

But come by, if you want to.

HHH III

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

See you at 8.

AH

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

Wish you could drop by the forge every night when I'm alone. It was... awesome.

XXX,

HHH III


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi guys,**

**Here's the next chapter. Enjoy! (Or don't but then I'll be really sad and all the kittens will die. Okay, they won't, but I'll still be sad.)**

**Anyway, thank you for the reviews, PMs and all.**

* * *

Dear Gobber,

My mom gave you our 34-piece knife set to be sharpened. Last time it took you 2 days 3 hours and 57 minutes to sharpen them, so I went by the forge at 7.22 PM last night assuming that 2 days and 4 hours should be more than enough for you to do them.

And the door was locked! Eventhough I'm pretty sure someone was inside judging by the muffled voices I heard when I put my ear to the door. (I went there at 9.13 PM and 10.39 PM, and ended up with no knives at all instead of 34!)

Do you have a VIP list now or what? Do you not allow regular Berkians enter your shop after dark?

I'll be at your shop at 8.13 PM tonight, I hope they'll be ready by then.

We're all very hungry.

Fishlegs & Family

* * *

HICCUP!

I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, THIS TIME FOR REAL!

A. HOFFERSON

* * *

Hiccup. Forge. Now. I'm gonna kick your ass.

Gobber

PS Meanwhile, could you explain why there was a breast binding on one the anvils?

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

What have I done?

After last night I thought we were friends.

Like really close friends... :-o

HHH III

* * *

Gobber,

In a minute.

Hiccup

PS Is it 'Let's Hate Hiccup Day' today or what?

PS 2 Oooops, the breast binding is errr... mine. I was wondering the other day whether we had enough cross-dressing Vikings...

* * *

HICCUP,

TUFFNUT HAD A PICTURE OF MY BOOBS!

I HATE YOU FOR DOING THAT!

A.H.

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

Who said I drew them? It wasn't me.

The person's name who I believe depicted your erm... delicacies rhymes with "snore loud".

HHH III

PS Although in his defense I had to admit that it was quite an accurate picture...

Oh, sorry, _how _should I know.

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

Would you be so kind and get that picture for me? Please?

AH

PS Also, I'm missing a piece of clothing...

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

I've the picture. I'm willing to trade it.

HHH III

PS I have the piece of clothing. Let's just say it's on me, and please don't ask who made me wear it and why.

* * *

Hiccy,

Heard about your new talents. Do you do stag parties?

Astrid broke Snotty's fingers so we thought a fun night might cheer him up.

T-dog

* * *

Son,

Is there something you want to tell me? You know I will _always _love you, no matter what.

Dad

PS I'll go on a fishing trip. Won't be back for a couple of days.

PS 2 Your mom's old clothes are in the chest under my bed, just in case you... want to get in touch with your err... feminine side.

* * *

DAD!

I'VE NO FEMININE SIDE. I AM THE MANLIEST MAN EVER!

H.

PS Have a good trip.

* * *

Sure thing, son.

Dad

* * *

Tuffnut,

Why would you have a stag night? No one is getting married.

Hiccup

* * *

Gee, Hiccs,

You're such a buzzkill.

Okay then you'll get married on Friday.

I reserved the Meade Hall for Thursday night and for Friday afternoon. (You're going to have an awesome stag night, by the way. I am in charge.)

Ts

* * *

Tuffnut, please, are you high? I don't want to get married.

(You do know that brides are essential parts of a wedding, don't you?)

H.

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

Could you come over tonight to my place and be nice to me?

I had the worst day ever. I'd really like to cry now but I have 26 knives to be sharpened and Fishlegs is watching me from an uncomfortably close distance.

HHH III

PS How can you wear these things all the time? It really hurts my skin.

* * *

In your dreams, Haddock.

AH.

PS Take it off, will you?!

* * *

Astrid, in my dreams you are actually _very _nice to me.

Hiccup

PS Everytime I want you to take it off I literally have to beg you. Now it's your turn.

* * *

Hiccup,

Give me my stuff back. And don't even dare to write (or say) another word.

AH

* * *

Astrid,

Come to my place, your stuff will be there.

See you at 9.

H.

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

Thank you for providing a happy end to my disaster day.

HHH III.

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

Just to inform you where I come from that's called 'blackmail'.

AH

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

I know but I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it too.

Blackmail me back anytime.

Hiccup

PS You left your bindings on my bedpost.

* * *

Hicc-Up!

I found you the prefect bride!

See you on Friday, dress up nicely.

Tufffff


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for the reviews, guys, you're awesome.**

**Snoopykid, I actually liked your idea, so look who's talking now? It's the dragons :-)**

**Any other ideas? (To tell the truth this story is an improv thing, I've absolutely no clue where it's headed, but it's more of a challenge this way.)**

* * *

Hey Toothy,

I thought we might as well be friends, since it seems that we have to spend every night together.

Luvs,

Stormfly

* * *

Dear Miss Nadder,

Yeah, okay... we might as well. I'm pretty sure it's mating season for the humans. Do you know how long it will last? I know it's in the _Human Manual _but I didn't check it. I never in a million years would have guessed that my rider was mature enough to reproduce.

Toothless

PS Please refrain from calling me any nicknames, it's so corny.

* * *

Sure thing, Toothless. As far as I remember it starts in the spring and lasts until 9-10 months. The females keep their eggs in their stomach. How lame that is.

SF

* * *

Pff. Only 8,5 more monthts to go.

See you later in the cove, they usually hide there on Fridays.

Toothless

PS Why can't they mate together with the rest of the humans? That's another lame thing I don't understand.

* * *

Good morning, dragon who has no teeth,

After last night, I've checked the _Human Manual_ and our riders do this mating thing the wrong way! I think your master is upside down most of the time!

I'm pretty sure it's gonna last a lot longer this way :-z

SF

* * *

Hi Stormyfly,

First of all, could you do something with your rider? She is so annoyingly loud.I don't know why she keeps screaming all the time, my master would never hurt her.

About the topsy-turvy problem.. shall we show them how to mate properly?

Toothless

PS I fancy your scales. They are so blue.

* * *

Dear Toothless,

You're making a point here. Yeah, we could probably teach them a thing or two.

How about tonight?

SF

* * *

Hiccup!

Come over immediately, your stupid dragon is humping my beautiful nadder!

Astrid

* * *

What?

H.

* * *

This is not a joke. They've finished it (or so I think).

….

Yep. I'm pretty sure now.

Come over and clean the mess your stupid reptile made before I break his tail and your leg.

A.

* * *

Toothless,

Bad dragon. Very bad dragon.

Hiccup

PS Ah, who am I kidding? I totally understand you. I only wish Astrid'd let me do what you did to Stormfly. Way to go, bud!

* * *

Dear Mr Haddock,

Is it true that you're going to get married tomorrow? Ruffnut asked me whether I wanted to be a bridesmaid.

A. Hofferson

PS I have to tell you, I was quite surprised. I thought we had a mutual understanding.

PPS I actually liked 'snuggling' with you.

* * *

Aaaaastrid, you dearest, most beautiful and most evil creature in my life!

I don't want to get married. Or at least not tomorrow. Tuffnut is nuts again.

Yours, as always,

Hiccup

PS Well, I wouldn't say we have a 'mutual understanding', I'd rather say you command me to do stuff and I obey. But I like it this way.

PPS If we were just innocently 'snuggling' our dragons wouldn't hump each other. I think you're looking for another word that starts with 's'.

* * *

Hiccup,

If you're implying that we are having sex, I have to inform you, that this is not that. Almost, but not quite. But we can totally quit for the sake of our dragons' morals.

No kisses at all,

Astrid

PS Please, say good bye to my tongue!

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

You're such an impossible person. Here I'm at the forge, trying to mend the broken mangler (do you know how difficult its mechanics are?) and now all I can think about what you are capable with your tongue...

Yours sufferingly,

HHH III

PS Actually, I know you for a fact that you're not finished with me. You've said multiple times that I taste sweeter than mead. And we all know how much you like mead...

* * *

Are you implying that I'm an alcoholic?

I'm so furious right now.

AH

* * *

No. I mean you're a hiccupoholic. :-) But who could blame you for that? It's really hard to resist all of this! (I'm gesturing to all of me.)

I've finished the mangler, come to the forge, let me give you something delicious.

Mr Taste Good

* * *

Hixupx!

You're bride is ready, she is all dressed in white.

I think you're going to be best bah-ddies.

Have a wonderful 'weeding day'!

T-dog

* * *

Tuffnut,

You don't mind if I eat my bride, do you?

Hiccup

* * *

Hixxx,

Wow, already thinking about sexy times?

Just don't do in front of us, will you?

Tuffs

* * *

Oh, for Thor's sake, I meant for DINNER.

H.

* * *

Hiccup,

Sorry to inform you, but your wedding is cancelled.

Mildew eloped with your future wife.

Tuff

:-(((((( - I drew you sad faces, you must be crying like a lamb now.

Oh, sorry about the 'lamb' part, how insensitive I am!

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

I've gone to Outcast Island.

I think it's safer for me there.

HHH III

PS Laugh all you want, but that was serious question last night. Very serious.

PPS Thank you for not breaking my jaw, though.

* * *

**Thank you for reading, please, tell me what you think. (I have to admit, I laugh at it when I re-read it. :-))**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi guys, **

**So sorry for the late (and very short) update, I don't really have any free time nowadays, but when I have some, I'm working on my other fic. **

**But I still really like this one, so I'll definitely update it from time to time. **

**(Since there's no plot for this one, any suggestion are welcomed.)**

* * *

Astrid-Smashstrid,

Heard that your "man" backed up off you.

Wanna mess around with me? I have some dirty ideas.

Your Snotty

* * *

Snot,

I've some dirty ideas too.

How about I push your face into the mud and drown you?

AH

* * *

Girl,

You misunderstood me!

Let me re-phrase it: do you want me to fill the void he left behind?

Still your Snotty

PS Just for the record, what's the exact size of that *void*?

Erm, it's for the sake of science, Fishlegs and I are working on some statistics.

* * *

Oh, Snotlout,

Come to my house at 8, I'll show you one of my favourite moves.

AH

* * *

Astrid,

Ouch!

SL

* * *

Fishface,

Need your brilliant logic here.

Astrid punched Hiccup all the time, because she fancied him.

So, theoretically, if she breaks my nose would it mean that she wants to marry me?

Snotface

* * *

Hi there Snotlout,

As I recall, in 67 per cent of the cases Astrid's violence towards Hiccup was a result of unresolved sexual tension, so, yes there's a good chance that upon wanting to get married, she would cause some serious injuries to the one she loves. If these injuries result in your premature death, then I think it's pretty safe to assume that you're the lucky winner of Astrid's heart.

Hope that helps,

Fishlegs

PS Heard about your broken nose. Get well soon!

* * *

Hey Snotter,

I've just heard in the Meade Hall that Astrid wants to kill you, how awesome is that?

Tuff'n'Nuts

* * *

Fish!

Woot woot! She wants me dead! I think I'm going to get married!

Snotlout

* * *

In your face, Haddock!

Astrid is mine!

Come to our wedding or don't, couldn't care less.

Cousin Snot

PS Who's the Vi-KING now?

* * *

Dear Astrid,

The Jorgenson boy brought a marriage contract this morning. It says "Give me your daughter and I'll never say a word to you.", should I sign it? It's quite a tempting offer, that boy is really annoying.

Love,

Mom

PS I kind of hoped that you'd marry the chief's son, but I don't blame you for wanting a little more beef in your sandwich.

* * *

Haddock,

Come back immediately.

Astrid

* * *

Mom!

Tear that stupid paper up!

If I want anyone's meat in my taco, that's Hiccup's.

Astrid

PS I won't be home for dinner, I kind of lost my appetite.

* * *

Dear Miss Hofferson,

I don't see the point in coming back.

By the way, congratulations, heard the good news.

HHH III

PS I don't know whether a baby is on the way or not, but if it is, I have a name suggestion: Hateyealout.

* * *

Hiccup,

JUST COME BACK.

Astrid

PS "Yes, I will."

* * *

**3 Cute, isn't she? :-) **

**Alrighty then, please don't hesitate to share your thoughts.**


End file.
